Finding Myself In The World

I'm currently; jobless, homeless, almost poor, and I may be refused re-entry into my country of birth.
On the plus side, I've been to a lot of countries, I've seen a lot of things & I've met a lot of people.
I'm living, I'm just running out of funds to live in the way that I want to live.
Over the last three months I've visited over 20 countries, and I've never felt more free.
It's been an incredible trip so far, and I hope that it continues.
I did things I never imagined I would get a chance to even contemplate.
I experienced things that can't be bought with money.
I saw more of the world than most people would in a lifetime.
I made friendships that will hopefully be for life.
I fell in love; with people, with places, with the world.

But now I'm back at a crossroads.
I'm lost.
I need to get a job, so that I can increase my travel fund to continue my adventure.
I need to figure out what exactly it is that I want.
What I want to do now, what I want to do with my life.

I keep thinking about home. I miss it; I miss family, I miss my room, I miss my guitar, I miss the beach, I miss the weather, I miss the familiarity, I miss the feeling of home, I miss the Australian way of life, I miss my dad's cooking, I miss the way my mum makes a cup of tea and sneaks me some chocolate with it, I miss the sound of my gorgeous dog barking at someone jogging past or chasing the postman up the road, I miss the way he would lay his head over the front door threshold and look at me with those big brown eyes asking for a pet, I miss the way his ears feel like soft clouds, I miss the sunsets that only home has, I miss the sound of the birds, I miss the smell of bacon in the morning, I miss the faint sound of my dad watching the morning show at 6am, I miss driving, I miss my favourite pizza and cocktail bar, I miss walking my dog along the river, I miss working towards a goal, I miss Sunday night family dinners, I miss watching reality tv shows with my mum, I miss it all.

But as much as I miss it, it's where I got stuck. I got stuck in the funk of habit and routine and familiarity, which isn't always the best thing.
I love home, and I miss home, but I don't think I need home.
Home is easy. Home is safe.
I need to get out of my comfort zone, and my safety bubble.
I need spontaneity, I need hard work, I need to make it on my own, to know that I can.
I need to travel, I need to see the world, I need to experience as much as possible.
I need to open the black box inside my head that's been locked and hidden.
I need it to tell me who I am.
I need it to tell me what to do.
I need it to guide me.

Travel Nerves

After what feels like years of anticipation, many months of planning and endless hours working and saving, the countdown is finally down to it’s last leg. In less than TWO weeks, I will be boarding a plane to England, and not returning for a whole year. It’s crazy how something I remember drunkenly talking myself into is actually happening in a matter of 12 days. TWELVE DAYS! I remember when it was 162 days- I couldn’t wait, I was scouring the internet for Europe trip ideas, plans and reviews, staring at images of Venice and Paris, picturing myself riding through the canals of Amsterdam and frolicking through the hills of Austria. My bags have literally been packed for months. Not 100% ready of course, but I’ve been as organised as anyone ever could be. I’ve looked into every possible thing, read my trip itinery over and over, made countless lists for packing essentials, must-see sights, unmissable places and general to-do’s before I leave. I have packed most of my material possessions away into boxes and put them in storage, sealed up and ready to say goodbye. I’ve planned going away drinks and dinners and last hurrahs and told anyone who will listen that this almost-20-year-old is going on an adventure of a life time. I’ve reminded everyone every day leading up to it, how many days are left on my countdown. 

But now... now that it’s practically here... I’m a little bit... terrified. Obviously, ecstatic, but there’s an overwhelming sense of nerves as well, as there should be I suppose. Everyone has told me it’s perfectly normal to feel a bit scared, that it’s a HUGE thing for a person to do. But I’m not usually one for being nervous over exciting things. It’s strange. Everything I’ve been doing has been stamped into my mind as possibly the last in a very long time. The last time I wash my dog, the last time I watch a film with my mum, the last time I cook a spag bol in my parents kitchen, the last time I drink with my friends, the last time I walk national park with my best friend. I feel kind of sad about it, but then again I have a slight tendency to dramatise things, so maybe I’m picturing myself in a really sad film about a girl who has to leave all her loved ones and possessions behind to go on a journey of self discovery and world exploration. Personally, I would pay to see that.

I’m extremely nostalgic, and can especially predict certain moments to be nostalgic ones as they are happening. I think to myself, well shit this one’s going to be sad to look back on. Or damn, I’m really going to miss this person.  But at the same time, as much as I’ll miss my friends and my family and mostly, my dog, I need this trip. I’ve gotten myself into a funk. A funk where I hang out with the same two people (who if I’m sure are sick to death of my rants, whining and stupid mistakes), go to the same bars and clubs and restaurants we always go to, fall for the same jerks who just mess me around, and most importantly or sadly, am extremely deprived of creative inspiration and motivation. I need this trip because I need to broaden my horizons, break out of my safety zone and life bubble, experience life, see the world, meet loads of new people, and most of all, respark my creativity. And of course that’s terrifying- because what if I don’t find what I’m looking for. What if I don’t change? What if I don’t find inspiration or meet anyone life changing or feel moved by the whole experience? What if I can’t bring myself to stay for a year, and come home broke, more alone and sad than ever and very discouraged? 

At least I’ll know that I gave it a shot- and even if I only gain a broken bone, or an empty bank account- at least it will be an experience.

Somebody That We Used To Know

It's the strangest thing... walking by someone who you used to spend all your waking hours with, or someone who you used to date and love and do your favourite things with.

But now, you just walk past each other and avoid eye contact, as if you had no idea who the other person was, as if they were never a part of your life.

But they were... so why do we do it? 

Personally, I'm a very nostalgic person and I'm always reflecting on past memories or past friendships or past relationships and remembering the good times, and even sometimes missing those people.

What we don't understand though, or more so, what our brains and memories struggle to comprehend, is that those people aren't the ones you loved and knew anymore.

They've changed, and you've changed.

You probably don't have much in common anymore, with say your best friend from when you were seven. Maybe you both loved barbies, sand pits and monkey bars, but guess what? You've grown up.

And often, as people grow up, they change and they become interested in different things.

They might no longer be addicted to red cordial like you both were, rather heroin now, and that's always going to be a tiny little hiccup in the friendship.

It's just funny, that we see these people now and think about how we used to be so close with them, and we feel a little hurt when they snub us or pretend they don't see us, but really, I think you just have to think about it like you have never actually met that person... because you haven't really.

You knew them when they were into sleepovers, and horses and pink glittery nail polish.

But now, it's been years since you've seen each other and so much has happened in between, so many events, changes, growth... and if you weren't there to witness the changes and grow together, then chances are, they are completely different people.

I think it's very much the same in relationships, you might see an ex boyfriend or girlfriend out somewhere and find it so strange that you  don't even acknowledge each other when you used to do everything together and be so intimate.. but even when people are there to witness your changes and your growth as a person, it doesn't necessarily mean you grow and change in the same way.

A lot of the time, people grow apart, and people develop opposing morals and opinions, and that can be damaging for relationships.

Sure you used to kiss that person and have dinner with them and their family and love them, but they're not really the same person you fell in love with. 

They've quit their band, their interests are completely different, they've got new friends, they've dyed their hair, they've developed more conflicting morals and ideologies.

So when you pass by someone that you feel like you used to know so well, and you both avoid each other and pretend you didn't see one another.

Don't feel bad or sad about it. Feel appreciative that you did once have a lot of good times with someone back in the past, and you'll always cherish the memories you acquired with them.

But in the present, all you're doing, is passing by a stranger, whom you've never known.