Finding Myself In The World

I'm currently; jobless, homeless, almost poor, and I may be refused re-entry into my country of birth.
On the plus side, I've been to a lot of countries, I've seen a lot of things & I've met a lot of people.
I'm living, I'm just running out of funds to live in the way that I want to live.
Over the last three months I've visited over 20 countries, and I've never felt more free.
It's been an incredible trip so far, and I hope that it continues.
I did things I never imagined I would get a chance to even contemplate.
I experienced things that can't be bought with money.
I saw more of the world than most people would in a lifetime.
I made friendships that will hopefully be for life.
I fell in love; with people, with places, with the world.

But now I'm back at a crossroads.
I'm lost.
I need to get a job, so that I can increase my travel fund to continue my adventure.
I need to figure out what exactly it is that I want.
What I want to do now, what I want to do with my life.

I keep thinking about home. I miss it; I miss family, I miss my room, I miss my guitar, I miss the beach, I miss the weather, I miss the familiarity, I miss the feeling of home, I miss the Australian way of life, I miss my dad's cooking, I miss the way my mum makes a cup of tea and sneaks me some chocolate with it, I miss the sound of my gorgeous dog barking at someone jogging past or chasing the postman up the road, I miss the way he would lay his head over the front door threshold and look at me with those big brown eyes asking for a pet, I miss the way his ears feel like soft clouds, I miss the sunsets that only home has, I miss the sound of the birds, I miss the smell of bacon in the morning, I miss the faint sound of my dad watching the morning show at 6am, I miss driving, I miss my favourite pizza and cocktail bar, I miss walking my dog along the river, I miss working towards a goal, I miss Sunday night family dinners, I miss watching reality tv shows with my mum, I miss it all.

But as much as I miss it, it's where I got stuck. I got stuck in the funk of habit and routine and familiarity, which isn't always the best thing.
I love home, and I miss home, but I don't think I need home.
Home is easy. Home is safe.
I need to get out of my comfort zone, and my safety bubble.
I need spontaneity, I need hard work, I need to make it on my own, to know that I can.
I need to travel, I need to see the world, I need to experience as much as possible.
I need to open the black box inside my head that's been locked and hidden.
I need it to tell me who I am.
I need it to tell me what to do.
I need it to guide me.

Travel Nerves

After what feels like years of anticipation, many months of planning and endless hours working and saving, the countdown is finally down to it’s last leg. In less than TWO weeks, I will be boarding a plane to England, and not returning for a whole year. It’s crazy how something I remember drunkenly talking myself into is actually happening in a matter of 12 days. TWELVE DAYS! I remember when it was 162 days- I couldn’t wait, I was scouring the internet for Europe trip ideas, plans and reviews, staring at images of Venice and Paris, picturing myself riding through the canals of Amsterdam and frolicking through the hills of Austria. My bags have literally been packed for months. Not 100% ready of course, but I’ve been as organised as anyone ever could be. I’ve looked into every possible thing, read my trip itinery over and over, made countless lists for packing essentials, must-see sights, unmissable places and general to-do’s before I leave. I have packed most of my material possessions away into boxes and put them in storage, sealed up and ready to say goodbye. I’ve planned going away drinks and dinners and last hurrahs and told anyone who will listen that this almost-20-year-old is going on an adventure of a life time. I’ve reminded everyone every day leading up to it, how many days are left on my countdown. 

But now... now that it’s practically here... I’m a little bit... terrified. Obviously, ecstatic, but there’s an overwhelming sense of nerves as well, as there should be I suppose. Everyone has told me it’s perfectly normal to feel a bit scared, that it’s a HUGE thing for a person to do. But I’m not usually one for being nervous over exciting things. It’s strange. Everything I’ve been doing has been stamped into my mind as possibly the last in a very long time. The last time I wash my dog, the last time I watch a film with my mum, the last time I cook a spag bol in my parents kitchen, the last time I drink with my friends, the last time I walk national park with my best friend. I feel kind of sad about it, but then again I have a slight tendency to dramatise things, so maybe I’m picturing myself in a really sad film about a girl who has to leave all her loved ones and possessions behind to go on a journey of self discovery and world exploration. Personally, I would pay to see that.

I’m extremely nostalgic, and can especially predict certain moments to be nostalgic ones as they are happening. I think to myself, well shit this one’s going to be sad to look back on. Or damn, I’m really going to miss this person.  But at the same time, as much as I’ll miss my friends and my family and mostly, my dog, I need this trip. I’ve gotten myself into a funk. A funk where I hang out with the same two people (who if I’m sure are sick to death of my rants, whining and stupid mistakes), go to the same bars and clubs and restaurants we always go to, fall for the same jerks who just mess me around, and most importantly or sadly, am extremely deprived of creative inspiration and motivation. I need this trip because I need to broaden my horizons, break out of my safety zone and life bubble, experience life, see the world, meet loads of new people, and most of all, respark my creativity. And of course that’s terrifying- because what if I don’t find what I’m looking for. What if I don’t change? What if I don’t find inspiration or meet anyone life changing or feel moved by the whole experience? What if I can’t bring myself to stay for a year, and come home broke, more alone and sad than ever and very discouraged? 

At least I’ll know that I gave it a shot- and even if I only gain a broken bone, or an empty bank account- at least it will be an experience.

Somebody That We Used To Know

It's the strangest thing... walking by someone who you used to spend all your waking hours with, or someone who you used to date and love and do your favourite things with.

But now, you just walk past each other and avoid eye contact, as if you had no idea who the other person was, as if they were never a part of your life.

But they were... so why do we do it? 

Personally, I'm a very nostalgic person and I'm always reflecting on past memories or past friendships or past relationships and remembering the good times, and even sometimes missing those people.

What we don't understand though, or more so, what our brains and memories struggle to comprehend, is that those people aren't the ones you loved and knew anymore.

They've changed, and you've changed.

You probably don't have much in common anymore, with say your best friend from when you were seven. Maybe you both loved barbies, sand pits and monkey bars, but guess what? You've grown up.

And often, as people grow up, they change and they become interested in different things.

They might no longer be addicted to red cordial like you both were, rather heroin now, and that's always going to be a tiny little hiccup in the friendship.

It's just funny, that we see these people now and think about how we used to be so close with them, and we feel a little hurt when they snub us or pretend they don't see us, but really, I think you just have to think about it like you have never actually met that person... because you haven't really.

You knew them when they were into sleepovers, and horses and pink glittery nail polish.

But now, it's been years since you've seen each other and so much has happened in between, so many events, changes, growth... and if you weren't there to witness the changes and grow together, then chances are, they are completely different people.

I think it's very much the same in relationships, you might see an ex boyfriend or girlfriend out somewhere and find it so strange that you  don't even acknowledge each other when you used to do everything together and be so intimate.. but even when people are there to witness your changes and your growth as a person, it doesn't necessarily mean you grow and change in the same way.

A lot of the time, people grow apart, and people develop opposing morals and opinions, and that can be damaging for relationships.

Sure you used to kiss that person and have dinner with them and their family and love them, but they're not really the same person you fell in love with. 

They've quit their band, their interests are completely different, they've got new friends, they've dyed their hair, they've developed more conflicting morals and ideologies.

So when you pass by someone that you feel like you used to know so well, and you both avoid each other and pretend you didn't see one another.

Don't feel bad or sad about it. Feel appreciative that you did once have a lot of good times with someone back in the past, and you'll always cherish the memories you acquired with them.

But in the present, all you're doing, is passing by a stranger, whom you've never known.

How To: Build Furniture

Roughly a year ago, one of my closest friends moved back to Noosa.
Her fiancé worked away, and therefore, when all of her flat packed new furniture got delivered including, but not exclusive to, a double bed frame, a glass dining table with four matching chairs, a glass coffee table and two bed side tables, she had to call for reinforcements... aka, me.
Now most furniture that requires DIY construction, comes with instructions.
But the thing about instructions is, they're extremely boring...
And so we did what any two adults would do, when presented with such a task- we looked at the pictures and hoped for the best.

Most of them were pretty straight forward, the wooden slats fit into the slat sized holes in the bed frame, the metal poles screwed into the leg holes in the coffee table, and the black caps fixed on the end of the chair legs.
We made do, and regardless of our sex, we built some bitchin' furniture, without the help of a man.
Fast forward to the present, and alas, she has moved again, which meant, a) unbuilding the old furniture in which we were so proud, and b) building new, much more complex furniture which may have tested us to new limits.

The trick with building furniture is- sometimes you need tools.
As two, young, semi-clueless and inexperienced furniture building woman, we did not seem to have the required tools just laying around, and due to not having read the instructions prior, we hit a dead end, fairly early on.

NEVERTHELESS, we managed to fearlessly, and successfully, put together a glass tv unit, without reading the instructions, and only briefly glancing at the pictures to see what order the screws went in.
After this build went surprisingly well, we thought, you know what? We are strong, furniture building  savvy legends- we might as well put the new bed together whilst we're here and on a roll.

But sadly, that is where we met our match, because unlike the good old fashioned wooden slatted, metal framed, screw in double bed from the previous year, this new, modern, updated bed set required one thing that we, as rookie furniture builders, had never seen coming: A drill.

A drill, which we did not possess, but did we let that stop us? HELLLL NO!
Never taking no for an answer, we ploughed on and attempted to use a screw driving kit, which needless to say, was not much help at all.
The instructions also had a very small, missable instruction in the top right hand corner, that told us a spanner was also required to satisfactorily build this bed.
And alas, we did not possess either of these tools.
And so, our very brief, very victorious furniture building careers, came to an abrupt, and very sad end.

So- You're looking to build some furniture?
Here's some handy tips:
1) Maybe read the instructions first- make sure you've got the required tools on hand, and if not, acquire or borrow some
2) If the furniture item looks fairly straightforward, maybe just skim the pictures, just in case
3) If a drill is required and you are a first timer, and fairly uncoordinated, accident prone or just generally retarded, maybe call in a brother, father or tool-handy friend to assist you in the safe usage of such a powerful instrument
4) If it looks like it does on the box, or close enough, then you've done well
5) Build large objects in the room you're planning on using it, because sometimes, after hours of putting a double bed frame together, or a heavy bookshelf, there is no way in hell you're going to get it through a tiny door frame without having to unbuild it and start over...
6) Always make sure you invite your super helpful, reliable and extremely attractive best buddy over to, at the very least, supervise the building whilst diminishing your chocolate stash

In the end boys and girls, and wandering almost-adults, building furniture can be surprisingly fun and rewarding, and it's really, not as hard as it looks if you keep to the very basic stuff!

The Notion of Love

Everyone searches for love, almost desperately.
But hardly anyone just lives their lives and lets love find them.
I don’t mean ignoring it, and just sitting back and expecting it to fall into your lap. But there’s a difference between chasing and pursuing love, rather than hunting any possible form of it down.
Because that’s what I’ve been seeing lately, people that are just so lonely, they will honestly settle anyone who shows them the slightest bit of affection.

& lately I’ve even been questioning the existence of love- like actual love how it’s portrayed in romance films and classic novels (not romeo and Juliet, that was a terrible love story).
But not even those kinds of fictional romanticized tales, just plain and simple, unconditional love!
Love that rips into your life like a tornado, unexpectedly whipping you off your feet and taking you by surprise, and changing your life forever.
The kind of love where you know each other almost as well as you know your selves and can rely on each other unquestionably, and you feel as if you’re never alone, because you’re a team, and that person brings out your best self.
Does that kind of love even exist?
Or do we just convince ourselves that we find it in people or see it, because it’s what we long for and it’s what the media have visualized for us?

I’ve had, what feels like, a long time to think about love, and what it means and what it is and if it exists, and to witness various amounts of it- in friends, in family, in films, in novels, in shopping centres, at airports, in everyday life.
& my conclusion? The more I witness, the more confused I am.

But I’ve always been a big believer in love, and of love.
I’ve always been a fan, and I’ve always been a romantic.
I love love, but I sometimes struggle to know the difference between love and attraction, or just a connection or a spark.
I think we all do- I think we feel like we have to label it love, because that’s what we want it to be, therefore we kind of trick ourselves into thinking it is love.
But I don’t think I have ever been in the kind of love that I’ve always wanted…
Does that make any sense?
I think I’ve thought that I was in love, many a times, and there probably has been one or two occasions where I definitely was, or I definitely felt very strongly about it, but they weren’t any where near the kind of love I would settle for.
I have high expectations, and although they may be construed as naïve, I may be optimistic when it comes to love, but I’m also a realist at heart, hence my doubts and skepticism about loves existence.
I know what it feels like to long for that “perfect love” and that “perfect person”, and it’s not even that they have to be flawless and perfect, it’s just that they’ll be perfect in a way that they perfectly suit you, and perfectly love you, for being imperfect, and vice versa of course.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, or if there is, I’ve never seen one in real life, or heard of one in real life.
Love takes work, and compromise but if each is willing and if both parties only have each others best interests at heart and care for each others happiness then I think it’s got a pretty good chance of working- and that can’t be too much to ask. But like I’ve said, I’ve had what feels like a long time to consider love, and to form my opinions and thoughts and expectations of it.
I’ve gotten my heart “broken" throughout various points in my life, or more accurately, I’ve been dumped a lot.
But recently, I got dumped REAL bad.
Like it was the toughest one, and my longest and most serious relationship.
But If I’m honest, sometimes I look back on it and think, why did I stay in it? Where did it start going wrong and when did I start feeling sad all the time instead of happy? Where was the breaking point? Why did I feel trapped in it? Why didn’t I just quit? Because it was all I knew? Because I didn’t want to be alone? Because I’d tricked myself into thinking I did actually love him?
I think that is honestly a major human flaw.
Even when we don’t love someone, we trick ourselves into thinking “yes we do” because we think we have to or think that it’s right, or we have even just genuinely fooled ourselves into thinking we are in love with someone.
But deep down, if you really ask yourself, and get past all the bullshit, which is really hard these days with everything so shoved in your face, then you’ll see that sometimes it’s all just a façade.
Sometimes, you have to get an outsiders perspective, or take a break and really ask yourself, is this relationship making me happy? Is it in my best interests? Is it what I want? Are they what I want? And do I love them?

I feel like if I hadn’t of been dumped, I don’t know if I ever would have gotten out of that relationship, and that scares me to death, that I could have been in that forever, and never have experienced adult single-ness, and would never have grown up, and experienced just adult life in general, on my own.
I would never have gotten a chance to know myself, which I still don’t.
I’m still figuring me out, and my ex boyfriend, by dumping me, gave me a second chance at the life I deserve- one that is purely based on what I want.
Now I’m definitely not there yet.
I still sometimes feel that pathetic kind of longing for someone, and I still feel alone sometimes, which I think is ok.
But what isn’t ok, is feeling like you have to have somebody romantic in your life, to feel validated and to give your life meaning.
I feel like it’s so important to love yourself first, and I’ve stressed this over and over, so until then, I don’t think I’ll be ready.

Step one, was booking flights to Europe, and it felt amazing.
Seeing the world will definitely open up my mind and soul and heart.
I will hopefully gain a shit tonne of experiences, make loads of new friends and meet so many new people and see so many amazing places.
I want to leave my comfort zone, and let the social norms be stripped away so it’s just me and my mind.
I want to talk to my heart, unguarded, and have a conference with my mind, once the mist has all cleared, so that I can ask them what they want and who they want to be, and from there I will work towards becoming that person and getting those things.

Because at the moment, I’m struggling to get/keep my life in order.
I want to write, and film things and create things- I feel like my head is full of ideas and sentences just waiting to burst out, but I feel like I never have time to let them come out in a structured/organized manner.
My life just feels chaotic!
I don’t get enough sleep, I don’t drink enough water, I don’t do enough exercise, I don’t write or read enough, I don’t make enough videos, I don’t eat as healthy as I should, my room is always a mess and I’m always unorganized and running late.

But if I feel so lost and like such a mess, how could I ever expect somebody to want to date me or to love me in this condition?
You know what I mean?
I need to get my shit together and be someone worth loving!
Even just for myself at first.
& I feel like we legit have our whole lives to be tied down to stuff like children, and mortgages, and marriages, and careers, and all that jazz.
Don’t get me wrong, those things can be great, but why rush?
I feel like whilst we are young, literally responsibility free, and able, we should live selfishly- within reason.
Don’t blow people off and forget about your loved ones, but live like you have nothing holding you back, chase your dreams and pursue things you love.
Don’t make excuses not to, because you’ll always be able to find excuses.

I want to be me, and love me.
I want to be free and have no respsonsibilities or time limits.
I want to be selfish and gain experiences and friends and wisdom.
I want to see everything and go everywhere and meet everyone.
I want the world to be my oyster, and roam it freely.
& I don’t want anything or anyone to stand in my way.

Solo Traveller

So... 

It looks like I'm going to be flying 16,516 kilometres across the world and travelling to 17 different countries over 45 days, all on my lonesome.

That’s right folks, Jessie Martin is hitting Europe- SOLO

In a weird way, I think it was meant to be like this. I’m a strong advocate of "everything happens for a reason"- I believe it strongly because things always have an odd way of working themselves out for me, regardless of whether that means they begin in a way that seems negative or not. 

Countless times I have thought that something has been the end of the world, and the end of life as I knew it - but I survived, and moved on, and because that door closed or slammed in my face, another one opened and led me on a much better path. But without that first event that rocked my world in a terrifying way, I never would have even looked for another door, let alone have gone through it.

For as long as I can remember I have felt like Europe was calling to me and that I had to go, no matter what. The day I decided to book a trip and quit uni, was nerve wracking and terrifying, but it also felt so right. I originally had a friend who was going to come with me, but alas, life got in the way as it sometimes does, and fate intervened, leaving me a solo traveller. Another close friend then moved back home with a strong desire to go on a life changing adventure, and so I presented her with the trip. At first she was keen, but then after lots of umming and ahhhing, she decided it wasn't the right time for her to go. My best friend had considered it, but had just gone through a significant change in her life, so again, decided it wasn't the right time. Then an old school friend contacted me, expressing her interest in accompanying me on the trip, but again, has just messaged me to say it is a bit much for her as she has never left the country before...

So that was it. I was done.

So, that was it. Instead of being angry or disappointed that they are unable to come, or even sad that I’d have to face the world on my own- I decided that I just had to accept the fact, that I was clearly meant to go alone. I think that it was always meant to be this way, and even though it is daunting to think of myself travelling the world on my own, I cannot wait to see what happens when I get there, meet hundreds of new people, see amazing landmarks and experience different cultures. I’m excited to see why I had to go alone, I’m excited to live in that moment, and to get to know myself better, even. I guess in the end, the only person you can ever fully rely on is yourself, and so what better way to trust myself and rely on myself than to go gallivanting around a new continent without knowing a soul.

Sure it would be nice to have a friend with me to share the memories with, or a familiar face I can trust and fall back on- but at least alone I can do whatever I want to do and see whatever I want to see without feeling like I have to consider someone else. 

I can be utterly selfish and indulgent and free.

I’m a little nervous, but I really think that going alone is something I need to do for my own personal gain. I really think that this is somehow how it was meant to be, for whatever reason. 

So on that note, Watch out world- Here comes Jessie Martin, solo traveller.

In Love, With The Idea Of Being Love

In today's society, the word "love" is tossed around too often and without real purpose.

We are all in love with the idea of being in love, rather than meeting someone and naturally falling in love with who they are and how they make us feel.

People get into relationships these days because they feel like they should be in one.
People are so infatuated with the idea of being in love, that they will literally take anyone.
We all just want someone to share our lives with, spend our time with and to spoon us.
We all crave love and affection, but are becoming too impatient and settling for just about anyone.
We're not getting to know people and falling in love with who they are anymore, we're falling in love with the idea of who they could be with us, without even finding out what kind of person they are.
We feel like if we're not in a relationship then we should be, and we are constantly being subjected to images of "love" and "perfect relationships" through social media, that is causing us to develop false illusions of "love" and to crave anything that will come remotely close to our fabricated expectations. 
We forget to actually get to know a person and miss out on legitimately falling in love with someone for who they are; we get into relationships purely to not be alone- & that's shit.

There seems to be this constant fear of being "forever alone"; of never having a boyfriend or girlfriend, of never being kissed, of never losing your virginity, and of never being loved. 
I have seen this "fear" in people as young as 12, and they genuinely think that if they don't have sex, or kiss someone or get someone to "date" them, right then and there, that they will end up a lonely old person with 27 cats, never having experienced love.
So they rush into things, jumping into anyones bed, or backseat, or even public toilets and bushes.... and they take away the importance of those first special moments and experiences.
Sex becomes... mediocre and meaningless, and love is non-existent, leaving only a very false illusion.
There's no thrill of the build up to a first kiss, there's no tingling anticipating and rarely any surprises.
There's no meeting each other half way, or going above and beyond just to see one another.
It's all very desensitised, unemotional and clinical. 
& It's sad, because everything magical about love, is dying with our generation, or so it seems.

Now that there's snap chat, and Skype, and FaceTime, and instant messaging, and Facebook and instagram, etc, the technology just desensitises us and lessens the intimacy of "love".
People can present themselves and their love life in anyway they like, and people can now get rejected on multiple platforms without ever having to be told face to face.
We get lazy because we can just call people or video chat with them, rather than having to make plans or go and see them, we can just text them that we can't make it to something, so that we don't have to face their disappointed face in real life.
People are more distracted, and can find out whatever they want to know about you by going on your Facebook page or stalking your instagram to see what you had for lunch yesterday.
People start relationships through social media with people they've never even met- people who are just searching for anyone to make them feel loved and special.
& don't get me wrong, feeling alone is nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there- but people are getting so desperate that they're literally on the hunt for a partner, rather than letting feelings with people and for people naturally progress, they just snatch up anyone who they find slightly attractive.
I think, although you might feel lonely sometimes, and the idea of having somebody seems like the best possible thing, it only is if you really know that person, love most things about that person and can stand being around them for long periods of time- all of which takes time and work.
& even with all these means of communication, it still ceases to amaze me how lonely we all feel.
If someone doesn't text us back straight away, or doesn't answer our drunk calls, or stops retweeting us or has "seen" our latest message but hasn't replied, we feel so dejected and unloved.
In a world so big, with so many people connecting every second, we feel tiny and we feel alone.
We check every social media app and website for any messages or notifications from someone we like and it's crazy the excuses that people come up for in defence of their crushes...

But it has honestly taken me up until now, at the age of 19, to realise that if someone really likes you, they will make an effort- and boy do they have a lot of options....
With the bazillion means of contact they have at their disposal, if they want to talk to you, you will not miss it (unless your phone explodes or your computer gets laptop-napped whilst you sleep).
You shouldn't have to constantly keep putting yourself out there and messaging them and stressing about why they haven't replied when they're "online" and why they haven't liked your latest selfie.
If someone REALLY is keen on you, they will go to the ends of the earth to a) contact you, b) to arrange to see you or c) to let you know how they feel about you.
So if someone isn't contacting you, arranging to see you or telling you that they're crazy about you, the chances are that they're probably not and you should back the hell up and find someone worth your time.

Over the last year, I have really had some reflective time to consider this whole love thing, and I've come to the conclusion that:
a) Everything happens for a reason- you meet certain people at certain points in your life for a reason, be it a quick romantic fling to remind you that there is still hope for your love life, or a head over heels, sweeps you off your feet kind of meeting, they will come when they are meant to come, 
which brings me to b) Love tends to find you, when you stop looking for it and when you are least expecting it- and it's those kinds of love that really do sweep you off your feet & take you by surprise
c) Life is too goddamn short to wait around for some boy or some girl, to make up their mind about whether or not they like you, or to wait around for them to text you, or to let them sit on the fence about whether or not they want a relationship or to just keep it casual- make your intentions clear, and if they don't reciprocate your feelings, and are just fucking you around, then move on! Don't waste your time on someone who isn't putting time into you- because chances are they never will
d) BE PATIENT- Stop being desperate and imagining the kind of relationship you and that hot lifeguard could have, or the what that cute checkout chick would look like on your wedding day... I am a firm believer in those clich'e, catch your breath, be swept off your feet and fireworks exploding in the background moments when you just know that you are seeing the love of your life, naive possibly, but I think we all have that someone out there, and that they are worth waiting for, and even if you don't believe in soul mates or "the one" or whatever, then at least hold out for genuine feelings and genuine happiness. 
DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE & DO NOT SETTLE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL LOVED & HAPPY EVERYDAY!



Keep the magic of love alive.