The Notion of Love

Everyone searches for love, almost desperately.
But hardly anyone just lives their lives and lets love find them.
I don’t mean ignoring it, and just sitting back and expecting it to fall into your lap. But there’s a difference between chasing and pursuing love, rather than hunting any possible form of it down.
Because that’s what I’ve been seeing lately, people that are just so lonely, they will honestly settle anyone who shows them the slightest bit of affection.

& lately I’ve even been questioning the existence of love- like actual love how it’s portrayed in romance films and classic novels (not romeo and Juliet, that was a terrible love story).
But not even those kinds of fictional romanticized tales, just plain and simple, unconditional love!
Love that rips into your life like a tornado, unexpectedly whipping you off your feet and taking you by surprise, and changing your life forever.
The kind of love where you know each other almost as well as you know your selves and can rely on each other unquestionably, and you feel as if you’re never alone, because you’re a team, and that person brings out your best self.
Does that kind of love even exist?
Or do we just convince ourselves that we find it in people or see it, because it’s what we long for and it’s what the media have visualized for us?

I’ve had, what feels like, a long time to think about love, and what it means and what it is and if it exists, and to witness various amounts of it- in friends, in family, in films, in novels, in shopping centres, at airports, in everyday life.
& my conclusion? The more I witness, the more confused I am.

But I’ve always been a big believer in love, and of love.
I’ve always been a fan, and I’ve always been a romantic.
I love love, but I sometimes struggle to know the difference between love and attraction, or just a connection or a spark.
I think we all do- I think we feel like we have to label it love, because that’s what we want it to be, therefore we kind of trick ourselves into thinking it is love.
But I don’t think I have ever been in the kind of love that I’ve always wanted…
Does that make any sense?
I think I’ve thought that I was in love, many a times, and there probably has been one or two occasions where I definitely was, or I definitely felt very strongly about it, but they weren’t any where near the kind of love I would settle for.
I have high expectations, and although they may be construed as naïve, I may be optimistic when it comes to love, but I’m also a realist at heart, hence my doubts and skepticism about loves existence.
I know what it feels like to long for that “perfect love” and that “perfect person”, and it’s not even that they have to be flawless and perfect, it’s just that they’ll be perfect in a way that they perfectly suit you, and perfectly love you, for being imperfect, and vice versa of course.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, or if there is, I’ve never seen one in real life, or heard of one in real life.
Love takes work, and compromise but if each is willing and if both parties only have each others best interests at heart and care for each others happiness then I think it’s got a pretty good chance of working- and that can’t be too much to ask. But like I’ve said, I’ve had what feels like a long time to consider love, and to form my opinions and thoughts and expectations of it.
I’ve gotten my heart “broken" throughout various points in my life, or more accurately, I’ve been dumped a lot.
But recently, I got dumped REAL bad.
Like it was the toughest one, and my longest and most serious relationship.
But If I’m honest, sometimes I look back on it and think, why did I stay in it? Where did it start going wrong and when did I start feeling sad all the time instead of happy? Where was the breaking point? Why did I feel trapped in it? Why didn’t I just quit? Because it was all I knew? Because I didn’t want to be alone? Because I’d tricked myself into thinking I did actually love him?
I think that is honestly a major human flaw.
Even when we don’t love someone, we trick ourselves into thinking “yes we do” because we think we have to or think that it’s right, or we have even just genuinely fooled ourselves into thinking we are in love with someone.
But deep down, if you really ask yourself, and get past all the bullshit, which is really hard these days with everything so shoved in your face, then you’ll see that sometimes it’s all just a façade.
Sometimes, you have to get an outsiders perspective, or take a break and really ask yourself, is this relationship making me happy? Is it in my best interests? Is it what I want? Are they what I want? And do I love them?

I feel like if I hadn’t of been dumped, I don’t know if I ever would have gotten out of that relationship, and that scares me to death, that I could have been in that forever, and never have experienced adult single-ness, and would never have grown up, and experienced just adult life in general, on my own.
I would never have gotten a chance to know myself, which I still don’t.
I’m still figuring me out, and my ex boyfriend, by dumping me, gave me a second chance at the life I deserve- one that is purely based on what I want.
Now I’m definitely not there yet.
I still sometimes feel that pathetic kind of longing for someone, and I still feel alone sometimes, which I think is ok.
But what isn’t ok, is feeling like you have to have somebody romantic in your life, to feel validated and to give your life meaning.
I feel like it’s so important to love yourself first, and I’ve stressed this over and over, so until then, I don’t think I’ll be ready.

Step one, was booking flights to Europe, and it felt amazing.
Seeing the world will definitely open up my mind and soul and heart.
I will hopefully gain a shit tonne of experiences, make loads of new friends and meet so many new people and see so many amazing places.
I want to leave my comfort zone, and let the social norms be stripped away so it’s just me and my mind.
I want to talk to my heart, unguarded, and have a conference with my mind, once the mist has all cleared, so that I can ask them what they want and who they want to be, and from there I will work towards becoming that person and getting those things.

Because at the moment, I’m struggling to get/keep my life in order.
I want to write, and film things and create things- I feel like my head is full of ideas and sentences just waiting to burst out, but I feel like I never have time to let them come out in a structured/organized manner.
My life just feels chaotic!
I don’t get enough sleep, I don’t drink enough water, I don’t do enough exercise, I don’t write or read enough, I don’t make enough videos, I don’t eat as healthy as I should, my room is always a mess and I’m always unorganized and running late.

But if I feel so lost and like such a mess, how could I ever expect somebody to want to date me or to love me in this condition?
You know what I mean?
I need to get my shit together and be someone worth loving!
Even just for myself at first.
& I feel like we legit have our whole lives to be tied down to stuff like children, and mortgages, and marriages, and careers, and all that jazz.
Don’t get me wrong, those things can be great, but why rush?
I feel like whilst we are young, literally responsibility free, and able, we should live selfishly- within reason.
Don’t blow people off and forget about your loved ones, but live like you have nothing holding you back, chase your dreams and pursue things you love.
Don’t make excuses not to, because you’ll always be able to find excuses.

I want to be me, and love me.
I want to be free and have no respsonsibilities or time limits.
I want to be selfish and gain experiences and friends and wisdom.
I want to see everything and go everywhere and meet everyone.
I want the world to be my oyster, and roam it freely.
& I don’t want anything or anyone to stand in my way.