Legally, you are an adult at 18.
But one of the most vital signs that you are a "self sufficient & responsible" adult is:
INDEPENDENCE FROM YOU PARENTS
If there are no adults looking after you, then YOU are looking after you.
You are therefore self sufficient, and responsible for yourself.
But sometimes, it's hard to get into that classification.
It's nice living with your parents- things are free.
They do your washing, and sometimes cooking, and always cleaning.
& you will learn to appreciate it all, once you have to do it yourself.
However, it is also sometimes hard to get out of the my-child stage.
The stage of treating you like you are still 12 and haven't done your chores.
The stage of restricting your actions & influencing your decisions.
There's a sort of blurred line- if you still live with them- are they still "incharge" of your life?
Can they still tell you what to do?
Or what if you've moved out but they still pay your rent? & fund a lot of your endeavours?
Are they not still entitled to be in control?
This is a tough one.
You don't have to cut your parents off completely to be seen as an adult.
However, it's difficult to define the line.
I can't speak for everyone, but my parents are, and always have been extremely good to me.
I moved back home this year and they still do my washing, buy all the food, pay my phone bill, don't charge me rent, occasionally will shout me drinks, and if i'm going out there's always a pick-up offer.
Now whilst I appreciate this to no end and am undisputedly and forever grateful, am I in their debt?
Is their kindness and, I suppose you could call it charity, something that I now owe them for?
When an issue or situation has arisen that my father wasn't completely happy about me doing, or neither of them exactly condoned a choice I made or a plan I hatched up, it was as if, all of a sudden, they wanted a full refund on their investment.
The claws came out- the threats of "Well if you want to be treated like an adult, start paying rent like one" and "Well you're living under our roof so you do as we say".
This in my eyes, was unbelievably unfair- I was a legal adult goddamnit!
Just because I wanted to do something that they didn't want me to do, or go somewhere they didn't want me to go, they brought out the emotional blackmail and the guilt trips.
It was like when someone gives you a gift, and then expects you to give it back, or pay them back for it- but hang on, you never accepted the gift based on the terms of owing them for it, and they definitely can't just add that on a lot later, when it's convenient for them!
Personally, I don't think my parents intentionally meant it to come across that way.
I think they were just being worried parents, and saw it as me taking advantage of them.
So I said to them- if they wanted me to chip in for food, pay rent, wash my own clothes, or whatever, then all they had to do was ask.
But if the unspoken deal, was that living with them meant I wouldn't be treated like an adult, or even just a person who makes their own decisions, then I wanted out!
I moved back home to save money and because it was convenient, but I didn't move back to be treated like a child, which is something you have to be careful you don't get back into.
Because they are looking after you again, it's super easy to see you as their young, innocent child who needs protecting and looking after, and to be told what to do- but you're not!
& that will take them, and you, time to accept and get used to it.
SO,
Draw a clear line that works for everyone.
Don't be too hard on the old folks, because they do only have your best interests at heart.
But if they do a lot for you, and think that by demanding freedom and a right to your own opinion is just abusing their hospitality, then offer to pay rent, or wash your clothes, or help around the house.
Make sure they're not doing an overload of things for you, so that they don't have ammo against you.
Make sure you're pulling your weight, and that they are satisfied with the work load distributions.
In return, if required, sit them down and have a chat (my, how the tables have turned- it could have been just yesterday when they sat you down, on that same couch to explain the birds and the bees!).
Explain to them what you want, and what you think you deserve, and what you're willing to do, to compromise and to make sure that both parties are happy.
If this doesn't work out, and you feel as if your parents are being unfair and controlling, and if the cons of living with them, outweigh the positives, then you may have to consider moving out.
But hopefully, they'll be understanding.
Because after all, they were teenagers once upon a distant, far away, long ago, prehistoric time.
Only you can know, when you're ready to take control of the wheel, and drive your own life.
Maybe you'll let your parents sit behind you and back seat drive- yelling directions at you.
That way, you can still choose whether to listen to their directions or ignore them.
Or maybe, you want to drop your parents off at the closest bus stop, and drive off into the sunset.
Only you can know.
But being an adult doesn't mean cutting your parents off.
Being independent is just the beginning, and there's no rush.
Because once they're gone, you will miss them.
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